There were only eight posts on this blog this year and most of them centered on some interesting dreams I remembered. Throughout the year I continued my quest to have lucid dreams with out much success. I related one dream here in which I may have had a brief moment of lucidity but I’m still not absolutely sure about that. In general, my ability to recall dreams significantly diminished in the course of the year.
I do want to have better dream recall and to have lucid dreams but so far nothing has seemed to work. I’m wondering if there may be something buried deep in my unconscious that blocks my efforts. Looking back on my life, I see a pattern of repression of my intellect and creativity, even my spontaneity. Occasionally, these attributes express themselves but it’s usually short-lived and not as well executed as it could be.
Did something happen in my early childhood that brought on self-repression as a defense or coping mechanism? I’ve been looking for techniques and methods to help me uncover long lost memories but so for, nothing has shown any promise. I have apparently built up some rock solid barriers.
I worked nine and a half months with a company that I’d worked for previously on a new project for them. About four months into it, I started working four evenings a week imaging systems. The work was rather simple and mindless but at times I still found it frustrating and stressful. I think much of that came from my observations of how the project as a whole was being managed by the team and the client. I had some ideas on how to improve the processes but knew that both parties were already so heavily invested in them that nothing was going to change.
I had an income limit to keep aware of so that my Social Security benefits wouldn’t be affected but I left the project before I got really close to the limit. I could have easily worked into mid-December but I felt I needed a break from it. I’m considering returning after the first of the year only for the additional income. I’d only want to work three evenings a week for a maximum of about 24 hours a week. I’d also have a much better idea of what to expect and know that I probably won’t find the work satisfying.
It’s interesting to note that in September of 2017 I had a dream in which I was offered the job but, in the dream, I turned it down. Should I have paid attention to that dream? I don’t know.
Over the course of the year, I found myself becoming more involved in the local Filipino-American community. In the third quarter of the year, I found myself among the founding members of the First Fil-Am Church of Greater Dayton, participating in establishing church committees and electing church leadership. I even played Joseph in the Nativity scene during the Christmas worship service.
“What’s so strange about that?” you might ask. For one thing, I’m a non-believer and I haven’t identified as a Christian for many years. I actually don’t claim identity with any religion. Most of my ideas about divinity and spiritual matters are diametrically opposed to Christian dogma and doctrine. In the last year or so my ideas about these things haven’t changed, despite regular attendance for the past three months. If anything, I found myself evaluating my ideas, often finding they still hold true for me.
At times I feel like a hypocrite but then I remember that my ancestor, John “The Emigrant” Warren, had differences with the Puritan church and some researchers believe he may have actually been a Methodist. John Warren realized the benefits of maintaining his membership in the Puritan church despite believing differently. In a way, I have ancestral precedence. Even if I don’t actually believe in the theology, I support the pastor’s goal of unifying the Fil-Am community here. Just the same, it is a continual source of conflict in my mind.