The New Beatitudes

  • Blessed are the entertainers, for their great works and the tribulations of their personal lives shall relieve us of having to think about real problems that might otherwise trouble us.
  • Blessed are the professional athletes, for they bring us glory through their achievements so we don’t have to get off our fat asses and play the game ourselves.
  • Blessed are the pop psychologists, for they fix the blame for our shortcomings on others so that we may possess the holy grail of self-esteem without accomplishment and thus avoid taking responsibility for our own lives.
  • Blessed are the advertisers, for they show us that the path to self-esteem and righteousness is through gluttony and mass consumption.
  • Blessed are the televangelists, for they shall guide us on the path to Heaven though they cannot hope to get there themselves.
  • Blessed are the political appointees, for they, although grossly unqualified for their positions, have found favor with the leaders of our nation and bring their truth to the bureaucracies.
  • Blessed are the bureaucracies, for without them, our sacred government services and institutions could not possibly function so inefficiently and so blindly.
  • Blessed are the school boards, for they relieve us of the responsibility of raising our own children while endeavoring to keep them stupid and dependent on the ever present and perpetual bureaucracies.
  • Blessed are the lawyers, for they offer us litigation in place of common sense and wisdom as they offer us the promise of great rewards for our bad decisions.
  • Blessed are the fast food and tobacco companies, for they shall bow to the lawyers and take the blame for our sloth and ignorance while compensating us handsomely for our laziness and our stupidity.
  • Blessed are the oil barons, the banks and the corporations, for their greed and avarice shall make for us a simpler life though that life be in poverty, darkness, and cold.
  • Blessed are the technologists, for they shall take many good and innovative ideas, place them into a single package, thus making that package utterly useless.
  • Blessed are the mediocre, the incompetent, and the stupid, for they shall set new and even lower standards of excellence to which we all shall aspire to achieve and fail to attain.
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