Out of the mouths of managers

Jimi Hendrix – Hey Joe

Today’s Quote: “Vision is always ahead of execution, knowledge of materials is your contact with reality, and uncertainty is a virtue.” — Ted Orland, Art & Fear

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


Stress? What stress?

The Buckinghams – Kind of a Drag

Today’s Quote: “I think it would be a good idea.” — Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization

Why do users seem to think that lack of planning on their part constitutes an emergency on my part? User in Columbus needs to have his laptop reloaded. He says he’ll have someone drop it off Tuesday morning and he’ll pick it up Wednesday. What happens? He shows up with the computer at 10 this morning just as I’m leaving for a staff meeting; he’d like to have it back by two. I work on it after the meeting and it takes me over an hour just to copy his files. It doesn’t take long to ghost the machine but I have to install a couple of applications. Of course, it’s not ready at two. I agree to take it up to Troy when I finish it. (I was looking for another reason to go up there anyway.)

Another user is being transferred to another department and his new boss somehow didn’t realize there would be paperwork involved. He mentions the transfer to me yesterday afternoon and I e-mail the form to him. I had an e-mail from him this morning that he had filled out the form and tried to leave it on my desk but the door was locked. The e-mail was sent at 10:30 last night. Of course the door was locked! Did he expect me to wait all night for him? I get the paperwork today and I give it to my boss who gets everyone to agree to transfer his current laptop with the guy. That should make my life easier, right? Don’t count on it. In his new position, he needs a new application so I install it. This application requires an account, which, because my boss only got the paperwork today, hasn’t had a chance to get the word to the guy who sets up those accounts. The user says he’s going on the road tomorrow and will need to use the software. I hope he got it worked out because I got my stuff together and went to Troy.

Is there too much stress in my life? Yeah, right. The only time I get to relax is at lunch and that’s because I take my lunch to the cafeteria and eat it away from my cubicle. I’m surprised I don’t get drive bys there. When are they going to hire someone else?

Music Trivia Quiz:
1. What kind of star did Lee Marvin sing about in 1970? A) Wandrin’ B) Silver C) Shootin’
2. Who played the classical Polish pianist in The Pianist film of 2001? A) Daniel Day-Lewis B) Ralph Fiennes C) Adrian Brody
3. Which musical did the 70s hit Day By Day come from? A) Hair B) Jesus Christ Superstar C) Godspell
4. The film Immortal Beloved was about which classical composer? A) Mozart B) Beethoven C) Liszt
5. What TV host has a gold LP with Romantic Christmas? A)Lawrence Welk B) Bobby Goldsboro C) John Tesh

Music Trivia Answers:
1. A) Wandrin’
2. C) Adrian Brody
3. C) Godspell
4. B) Beethoven
5. C) John Tesh

I bombed on this one. Talk about obscure! Well, I did know number 3. I enjoyed that musical.