A Shadowy Figure

hooded-figureI’m on the ground floor of a large building. It’s dimly lit and has an almost monochrome feel to it. I’m walking in a large locker room intending to take a shower. The showers are at one end of the building and it’s a big, open shower area. I enter the shower room and look around. There are large windows made with glass blocks on the outside walls/ I have a feeling that someone or something is after me or wanting to kill me and I think that the block windows could somehow provide them with easy access or someone could shoot at me through them. I don’t feel safe there so I turn around and leave the room. I try to find a shower stall in the interior of the facility but all I can find are individual toilet stalls. Suddenly, I come face to face with a tall, dark, ominous figure. He is much taller than me and he’s wearing dark robes and his face is hidden. He grabs me and takes me up to the second or third floor of the building as I struggle to break out of his grip. Finally, we reach an open door at the end of a hallway. The dark figure is trying to push me out but I am pushing back. Then something suddenly bursts out of my chest and as it flies out the door it takes the form of big, black birds. I feel a sense of relief and calm and I’m ready to accept my fate. I say to the figure, “Whatever you wanted from me is gone now.” Then I awaken.

The dream was longer but I only recalled the very end of it. There seems to have a lot of symbolism which may come to me later. In the dream I was intending to take a shower but I can’t recall my state of dress.

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A dark dream

bluelights

I’m driving at night in my old neighborhood of Township Park. It’s very dark, almost pitch black. There is no moon light nor are there street lights or lights from any houses. The light from my headlights doesn’t seem to carry more than a few feet in front of me. It’s as if the darkness is absorbing all light. There is no sound either like the darkness was muffling and absorbing the sound too. The scene is quite eerie.

I’m driving north on Hardy Road, toward the park and the lake (Lake Erie). I turn right onto what I believe is Sycamore Drive. I can’t be sure because it’s difficult, if not impossible, to read the street signs. Down the road I can see the flashing blue lights of a Sheriff’s patrol car. As I slowly drive past it, I see no sign of a deputy. The patrol car is the only other vehicle I’ve seen.

After passing the patrol car, I turn right onto a side street which takes me deeper into the darkened neighborhood. I don’t know what street it is because I don’t remember the names of many of the side streets and I can’t read the street signs at the top of the sign posts. But I’m pretty sure that after a few turns I will be on Shady Lane which will lead me to Oakwood Boulevard, the street where I grew up.

I make a left turn onto what I believe is a street that will take in in the general direction of my childhood home but I find myself in what appears to be a small park. There are high-backed concrete benches all around me. There was nothing like this in the neighborhood when I was growing up here. I stop and I sit in the darkness. I feel completely lost in a place I once knew intimately.

 

A Brief Moment of Lucidity

I had an interesting dream on Sunday morning. It wasn’t so much the content of the dream, although it was a bit strange, but my consciousness in the dream. This was the first dream I can recall in which I noticed anomalies in the dream environment and came to the realization in the dream that I was dreaming.

This experience was quite different from other dreams I’ve remembered in that instead of a general awareness (maybe outside the dream) that I’m dreaming, I gained the awareness inside the dream, as my dream self. This may be kind of a break through for me. I wasn’t lucid for very long since I woke up very shortly after the realization. At least now I have a better idea of what to expect and, hopefully, I’ll maintain the lucidity a little longer next time.

The dream:
I’m in a large, open room. There are rows upon rows of men, each with an M-16 or some other automatic weapon. I am carrying an M-16 and I take my place a the end of a line. Someone at the front of the room calls everyone to attention. The we are told to commence firing. I drop down to a kneeling position and start firing my weapon. At first, I aim above the heads of the men at the front of the room but occasionally my rifle lowers so that they are directly in my line of fire. Then I notice that they are unaffected. Once again I begin shooting at the wall above them and I see that there are no signs of damage from the thousands of rounds hitting it. I also noticed that when I’ve emptied a magazine, I’ve fired many, many more rounds than the 20-round magazine will hold. I put in another magazine and continue shooting. I speculate that I’m shooting blanks but there is no blank adapter at the end of the barrel. I realize that I must be dreaming and I’m shooting harmless dream bullets. I also notice that there are no spent cartridges on the floor. Then I awaken.

WILD Experience

A couple of mornings ago I had what I thought to be an unusual experience while attempting the WILD technique. After a couple of minutes I felt a vibration throughout my body and sort of a sensation of paralysis. I attempted to tap my fingers (FILD) but could not move them although I could feel the tension in my muscles in my fingers as I tried to move them. There were also various images flashing through my mind. I felt as if there was an impenetrable barrier between the hypnagogic and dream states and my attempts to will myself through it were unsuccessful.

Throughout the entire experience I was aware of my surroundings. I could feel my wife’s body pressing against me and I was aware of sounds around me. After what seemed like an hour or more I was exhausted by my efforts and fell into a sleep state in which I recalled no dreams.

Pendulum Divination

IMG-2990I can make no claims about the credibility of pendulum divination but I find the idea of it interesting and I’ve dabbled with it occasionally. This morning I got out my pendulum and posed some questions. I can’t say for sure that the answers I got came from deep within my unconscious mind or were wishful thinking but some of the answers were unanticipated.

I started with general questions about my efforts to have lucid dreams. My divinations with the pendulum indicate that I may very well be having lucid dreams but not remembering them because I’m unconsciously blocking or repressing the memory of them.

Further questioning indicated that I believe my dreams to be important and I want to remember my dreams and that my conscious mind wants to remember them as well. Another line of questioning inferred that this blockage may go back to unresolved repressed memories of childhood nightmares which set in motion a pattern of repressing dreams and creative endeavors. It may even be possible that I could be having unremembered recurring nightmares.

I’m hoping that through this divination process I’ve opened up a dialogue with my self to allow myself to have (and remember) a lucid dream in which I can resolve the issue and be more open to remembering my dreams.

All this brings up a couple of questions. Is it possible to have a lucid dream and not remember it? Could I have a lucid dream where, in the dream, I’m fully aware that I’m dreaming but, afterward, my memory of it is blocked or repressed?

Starting a new year

It’s been quite a while since I checked in here. The holidays were good. I brought in the new year with a group of friends but I missed bringing it in with family.

I’ve been having mixed success with my goals and intentions for the new year but I guess that’s to be expected. I’m trying to get back into my yoga practice and other physical exercise. So far, the exercise is going better than the yoga but I’m determined to make a go of it. My meditation practice slipped a bit during the holidays too but I was getting back in the groove on that. Actually, going back to work has thrown it all into disarray.

I’m sure that getting back into the habit of these practices will help with lucid dreams by helping me find the mindset and energy to foster my dreams. I hope so because I’ve been in kind of a dream slump lately. Recently I recalled two dreams in one night and one morning I recalled bits of what might have been three dreams. Lately I’ve noticed that sometimes when I wake from a dream and before I open my eyes, I’ll try to replay the dream in my mind to commit it to memory before I write it down. What often happens is that random and obscure waking life memories will intrude upon the dream memories and soon I’m unable to tell them apart. All I’ll be left with is a vague idea of what the dream was about.

The biggest change for me so far this year has been employment. I’ve been retired for almost two years so I haven’t been looking for a job. Last week I was contacted by my supervisor with the company I was previously with. They’re starting up a new project in the area and he was reaching out to the old crew to see if there was any interest. They’re on board with me working part-time though I said I could work full-time for a while to get the project off the ground. Since they’ve already paid out my employee stock option, I’d have to pay it back if I went back as a full-time employee. I don’t want to do that.

Now that I’m two weeks into the project I’m starting to have a few reservations. Going back to work after 20 months or so of retirement has been a big adjustment. I had enjoyed quite a bit of freedom to do whatever I want and I’m giving up a lot of that, at least temporarily. I’m still adjusting to getting up in the morning and commuting. However, one thing is different from other jobs. I’m working because I want to, not because I need to, and that’s a big difference. If I decide that that I don’t want to do it any longer I can quit with relatively few repercussions.

Since I had documented my processes during the previous project, my team lead wants me to do the same for this project. It’s not as easy as it would appear. Before I’d documented the processes I’d been doing and refining over several years. This time I’m trying to write the processes from scratch as we are developing them. That takes a different strategy and it’s harder to visualize.

weird-shit

“You can only come to the morning through the shadows.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there’s no difference between what is and what could be.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

The ancestor of every action is a thought.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, Spiritual Laws

“We can never see past the choices we don’t understand.” – The Oracle, The Matrix Reloaded

“Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.” ~ Audre Lorde

12-15-17 Update

What I’m reading
I finally finished reading Dreams of Awakening: Lucid Dreaming and Mindfulness of Dream and Sleep by Charlie Morley. I made plenty of notes.

I began Queens Consort: England’s Medieval Queens by Lisa Hilton. I think watching the second season of The Crown on Netflix renewed my interest in English history. I’m only in the first chapter and I’m finding interesting genealogical information. The chapter talks about Matilda of Flanders, William the Conqueror’s queen, and mentions that her ancestry goes back to Charlemagne. Maltilda has another husband, a man named Gerbod, by whom she had a daughter, Gundrada (or Gundred), who eventually became the wife of William de Warrenne, first Earl of Surrey. There’s some speculation that Gundrada may have actually been the daughter of William and Matilda.. Genealogy works in strange ways. History seems more personal when it’s about your own ancestors.

Events I’ve attended
On Tuesday I attended my grandson Nick’s first band concert. He even had a trombone solo. He and the rest of the Sixth Grade Band have only been playing since September but, with practice, they’ll improve and sharpen their skills.

Nick-171212-04 (copy)After the band concert, we made our way to the high school for the choir concert. I don’t have any grandchildren in the choir but at the end, they bring up all the choir alumni for two songs. This is Jacob’s first alumni performance so we were eager to see him on the stage again.

Dreams
Reality-CheckI still haven’t had a lucid dream but I’m starting to see positive indications in my dreams. Two nights ago, although I didn’t remember any dreams, I did recall an image of two hands with one pushing a finger through the palm of the other. The image looked like a crude drawing.

 

This morning I had a dream in which I squeezed an egg until I broke the shell. I looked at my hand and saw no yolk or egg whites, only the shell fragments. In the dream I attributed the lack of a mess to the fact that it was a dream. I did not become lucid so I’m not sure whether or not I was actually aware that I was dreaming. It may have just been the way the way the dream was playing out. Still, the idea of lucid dreaming is working its way into my dreams which is encouraging.

Quotes I’m pondering
“The real you is not a body. Your body is merely a suit of clothes. Physical birth was not your beginning and physical death is not your end.” ~ Marianne Williamson

“No one and nothing can free you but your own understanding.” ~ Ajahn Chah