Ve haf vays to make you mow

Today’s Quote: “Bathing led to nudity. Nudity led to promiscuity. So believed the colonial lawmakers of Pennsylvania and Virginia. Philadelphia was especially strict in those early years. You could be jailed there for bathing more than once a month.”

Today I mowed my lawn before the Grass Gestapo came by in the night and placed a big yellow sign of shame in my front yard. It used to be they’d just break down your door, issue you a citation, and beat you with a rubber hose for noncompliance. But now they’ve resorted to even more horrifying methods, namely public humiliation.

That seems to be the trend these days to encourage compliance — Obey or be marked. We’ll put signs in your yard, make you put special tags on your car, and force your to register yourself as a menace to society. I’m looking forward to the installation of stocks and pillories in the town square so I can pelt these miscreants with rotting fruit and bravely hurl obscenities and curses in their direction.

Oh, I can’t wait until they bring back public floggings and hangings. That will be quality weekend entertainment. Bring the children so they can learn the consequences of disobedience. Oh, to return to the simpler times of our Puritan ancestors.



Author: Rick

I'm a simple man, trying to make my way in the universe.

5 thoughts on “Ve haf vays to make you mow”

    1. Actually, I’d never mow the lawn in the nude because it would be dangerous with that sharp steel blade whirling at least a couple thousand RPM near my feet. Many would consider me overdressed when I mow the lawn as I generally wear steel-toed work boots, jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, a hat, safety glasses, and hearing protection. Call me paranoid if you want, but I still have all my digits and limbs, my eyesight (such as it is), and my hearing.


  1. It’s a good thing this city doesn’t have a town square!
    Could just install some astro turf. Although since the grass wouldn’t grow, might be labeled as a witch!


    1. Puritan fun and games
      Hey, they could do witch dunking in the river over by the sometimes above water soccer fields on Rip Rip Road. (Have they ever considered using those fields for water polo?)
      I figure the stocks and pillories will be part of the plans for the downtown they’re talking about putting in the nearly vacant strip mall down the street from me. I think they should put them by the BMV to maximize the number of spectators. Get some good old fashioned entertainment while you’re waiting in line for your plates.
      I hope Kirk isn’t a Quaker. I’ve heard about how Puritans feel towards people who harbor Quakers.


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